Buffaloo Plays: D&D 5th Edition

I had some other thoughts on stuff to write, and after falling a bit behind on [everything] this week, I figured I could get it done tonight as I hang at home with Buffaloo.  However, I came home to an exciting find.  After a long few days of "unavoidable shipping delays" today to find my shiny, new Player's Handbook for the 5th Edition of Dungeons and Dragons arrived.  Frabjous day, and all that.  This seems like as good a reason as any for another edition of

Buffaloo Plays:  D&D 5th edition

BUFF:  YOU'RE RIGHT, THIS IS AWESOME!

Me:  You are eating the cardboard box it was shipped in, Buffaloo.  That is not the game.

BUFF:  IT HAS A KIND OF FRUITY FINISH.  DELICIOUS.  WHAT'S THAT?  CAN I EAT THE GAME NOW?

Me:  Absolutely not.  And not ever, just so we're clear.  This is another game, we play it with dice.  Here is a set for you...

BUFF:  MAYBE I'LL EAT THEM....

Me:  Okay Buffaloo, are you ready?  Let's start with character creation.

BUFF:  YAY!  I'LL PLAY A PEOPLE!

Me:  That works.  Now take your dice...where are your dice?

BUFF:  I ATE THEM!

Me:  Um...do I need to remind you about "being an asshat?"

BUFF:  IS THAT A MAGIC ITEM?  I WEAR MY ASSHAT!  WHAT HAPPENS?

Me:  No...first you have to make your character.

BUFF:  WHAT'S A DUNGEON?  IS THAT LIKE THE DOG PARK?

Me:  Not really.  It's...a place you adventure.  You go inside and...

BUFF:  ADVENTURES AREN'T INSIDE.  ADVENTURES ARE OUTSIDE.

Me:  Well, that's what a dungeon is.  I guess they usually are also prisons, which means that when you are in one you aren't allowed to leave.

BUFF:  I CALL THAT  A HOME!

Me:  That is...unfair.  So what class do you want to play?

BUFF:  I'LL BE A BUFFBARIAN!  WHAT'S A DRAGON? IS THAT A TYPE OF PUPPY?  LIKE A LAB?

Me:  No, it's like a big lizard thing...::shows picture::

BUFF:  WHAT THE?! CAN WE GO OUTSIDE?  I THINK I NEED TO...UM..."TAKE 20" ON THE GRASS.  THOSE DICE SHOOT RIGHT THROUGH ME!

Me:  ::Sigh:: Fine....

-----Later-----

BUFF: I HAVE A DRUID ALL READY TO GO.  LET'S PLAY!

Me:  You are sitting in the tavern an-

BUFF:  I GO OUTSIDE AND WILDSHAPE INTO A DOG!  THEN I PEE ON TREES!!!

Me:  You...aren't going to cooperate, are you?

BUFF:  DID I WIN?  I WEAR MY ASSHAT!


Buffaloo's Review:

Too much of it is not-food.

No good mechanics for petting/playing with a dog.

"Animal Handling" is a patronizing skill. I am NOT here to be "handled."

Buffaloo's verdict:  That expression says it all....  

*This is in no way an accurate review of D&D, the PHB, or an example of actual gameplay.  No dragons were harmed in the making of this blog.  Seriously, he kept trying to sniff the dragon's crotch.  It went as well as you'd expect.